Have you noticed how some people talk, not just with their words but also with their expressions and gestures, or sometimes even lack of these!
I remember watching a colleague in the office cafe the other day - even at a distance, I could "feel" his communication though I did not hear what he was saying; but I could see that he was having a very strong effect on his audience. They were so enthralled by his talking that they let him continue without interruption for almost 20 minutes. And this was a lunch table – a place normally reserved for being noisy and brash. People were actually paying attention – though how much of it was attention to what he was saying, is suspect. Had I been sitting there, I would have listened with rapt attention to his expressions!He was using his eyebrows, the narrowing and widening of his eyes, his gestures with specs on and off, head bent forward and then back, hair thrown back, shoulders hunched, shoulders squared, legs crossed, legs spread out in the front, toe taping, hand drumming on the knee...the plethora of emotions...to express! That was some sight, and wholesome entertainment.
I knew a friend like that – she would start talking with her expressions first, and then said "hello, wassup!"...her eyes, eyebrows and head bobbing said it all before her tongue even got into the mood of working! And then today this new guy who joined the team continued talking to everyone sitting around a square table with his head strictly held straight ahead, only eyes turning left and right...looking at everyone from the corner of his eyes. I would not analyze him too much on that, but after a while of watching him my eyes started hurting too.
It’s more fun to watch people from different countries communicate with each other without words. For e.g. I saw that drivers in Portugal used a strange sign of waving their hands in front of their face in case another driver cuts them off. I thought it meant something really bad. At some point when I could not contain my curiosity, I asked a driver what he meant. He said it meant “can’t you see”…there…it was that simple and I thought it was a horrible extension of the four letter word; would there possibly be an extension to that word, I even wondered that! Americans on the other hand, especially at sale counters, have this perpetual expression of “come on moron, why are you wasting my time, hurry up!” even if you have been standing in front of them for 2.5 seconds. They generally have a “you are stupid” communication pasted on their face and I have always felt flustered while paying at a counter in the US. Never mind that it takes them a lot time to understand full wholesome words being said to them in the form of well-constructed sentences. Maybe that’s the kind of communication they don’t understand. Maybe a bubble gum chewing face with a few bobs of the head and bouncing of the whole body in general speaks a lot more than words.
The other funny thing about no-language communication is that many times the intonation of the entire sentence makes us understand what is being said without understanding a word of the language. Someone I knew had a strange experience on an airport. He looks Spanish, and he did not really know that. He was sitting at the airport across another Spanish looking guy with an American looking woman. After a while the other Spanish looking guy started talking to my friend, asking about some place. And my friend answered him in English and the other guy understood. The conversation went on for a while after which the woman could no longer contain herself and asked my friend if he knew how to speak Spanish. My friend said “No!”…she then said how come he was answering the other guy’s questions because the other guy was speaking in Spanish! My friend had not even noticed, he just thought the other guy had a thick Spanish accent!! And the lady said that both the guys were making perfect sense! Fantastic, isn’t it? Who needs language?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
An Amicable Argument - If only!
Men are from Mars and women from Venus – ya ya ya, we all heard that before. But why, oh why, can’t we meet half-way and talk to solve issues, instead of aggravating them? Read on, for what could be a really amicable argument! Women would agree with me more than men, but what the heck, here it is anyway!
He has made her mad at him by ignoring her completely a couple of times when they went out with a group of friends. It’s a new relationship; they have gone out only twice so far. For her it looks like an interesting and important relationship that’s developing. She does not understand how deep he is, after all he is a foreigner and she does not really understand his culture.
He calls her on a Saturday, to ask her if she would like to do something on that evening.
This is how a nice and amicable conversation would go, with positive results in the end.
He - Listen, what are you doing today evening? Maybe we can go out somewhere, do something?
She - Oh thank you very much for offering to go out with me, but interesting as it may sound, I will need to decline it this time.
He - Oh that’s surprising! Are you angry with me over something?
She - Is there a reason for me to be?
He - I don’t know, but you sound angry.
She – Don’t ask me questions such as these, and I will not lie to you.
He - What does that mean, are you angry or not?
She - Let us just say, I am not in the most appropriate frame of mind for an outing with you at this juncture.
He - Why, what did I do?
She – It’s not what you did, but it’s what you did not do.
He - Ok, what did I not do?
She – Ok, let me answer this by asking you a question. Do you like to be ignored? Do you like it if someone does not pay attention to you at all?
He - No, of course not. Who would?
She – Bingo! Would that make you angry with someone if they do it to you twice in a row?
He - Yes, I think so. Well, not angry exactly, but I won’t care to be around that person after that.
She - Well, then now you understand?
He - No I don’t - because I don’t know when did I ignore you?
She - Aha - now we are getting operational. If I have to tell you when and how it happened, then it’s futile because you will not agree. Unless you did it on purpose - which I don’t think you did. I think it’s just your nature, and I am not sure I am made to adjust to that nature.
He - Oh dear - I have done something to annoy you haven’t I?
She – Yes, you have.
He - What can I do to make it alright?
She - Well, that’s up to you. If it were me, I would spend time trying to understand, I would spend time trying to coax you to tell me. After you tell me, I would not brush it aside as your imagination. I would try to handle it such that neither of us feels judged and we come out of this as better friends, with a better understanding of thresholds. But that is just me - I will give it so much importance. Now it depends on you, how much importance do you want to give us/ me/ this issue?
He - Of course it’s important, that’s why we are talking about it.
She - Well, then, it’s your call.
He - Come out with me tonight - let me try and understand. Maybe I did something on purpose to make you jealous :)...maybe I was testing to see how deep we are. I like you very much, and I don’t want you getting mad at me so early in our relationship. Give me a chance, let me understand, let me explain. I am sure we can sort it out.
She - NOW you are talking :)...ok, if you state it like that, how can I resist you?
He - See you at 7 then :))
Perfect, isn’t it? But this is written by a woman, and a woman is naturally more sensitive than a man. After the man above asks for the third time and she still does not give him a straight answer, most men reading this will say “WTF, he needs to get out of this as soon as he can”. Period. Mars and Venus, it is!
He has made her mad at him by ignoring her completely a couple of times when they went out with a group of friends. It’s a new relationship; they have gone out only twice so far. For her it looks like an interesting and important relationship that’s developing. She does not understand how deep he is, after all he is a foreigner and she does not really understand his culture.
He calls her on a Saturday, to ask her if she would like to do something on that evening.
This is how a nice and amicable conversation would go, with positive results in the end.
He - Listen, what are you doing today evening? Maybe we can go out somewhere, do something?
She - Oh thank you very much for offering to go out with me, but interesting as it may sound, I will need to decline it this time.
He - Oh that’s surprising! Are you angry with me over something?
She - Is there a reason for me to be?
He - I don’t know, but you sound angry.
She – Don’t ask me questions such as these, and I will not lie to you.
He - What does that mean, are you angry or not?
She - Let us just say, I am not in the most appropriate frame of mind for an outing with you at this juncture.
He - Why, what did I do?
She – It’s not what you did, but it’s what you did not do.
He - Ok, what did I not do?
She – Ok, let me answer this by asking you a question. Do you like to be ignored? Do you like it if someone does not pay attention to you at all?
He - No, of course not. Who would?
She – Bingo! Would that make you angry with someone if they do it to you twice in a row?
He - Yes, I think so. Well, not angry exactly, but I won’t care to be around that person after that.
She - Well, then now you understand?
He - No I don’t - because I don’t know when did I ignore you?
She - Aha - now we are getting operational. If I have to tell you when and how it happened, then it’s futile because you will not agree. Unless you did it on purpose - which I don’t think you did. I think it’s just your nature, and I am not sure I am made to adjust to that nature.
He - Oh dear - I have done something to annoy you haven’t I?
She – Yes, you have.
He - What can I do to make it alright?
She - Well, that’s up to you. If it were me, I would spend time trying to understand, I would spend time trying to coax you to tell me. After you tell me, I would not brush it aside as your imagination. I would try to handle it such that neither of us feels judged and we come out of this as better friends, with a better understanding of thresholds. But that is just me - I will give it so much importance. Now it depends on you, how much importance do you want to give us/ me/ this issue?
He - Of course it’s important, that’s why we are talking about it.
She - Well, then, it’s your call.
He - Come out with me tonight - let me try and understand. Maybe I did something on purpose to make you jealous :)...maybe I was testing to see how deep we are. I like you very much, and I don’t want you getting mad at me so early in our relationship. Give me a chance, let me understand, let me explain. I am sure we can sort it out.
She - NOW you are talking :)...ok, if you state it like that, how can I resist you?
He - See you at 7 then :))
Perfect, isn’t it? But this is written by a woman, and a woman is naturally more sensitive than a man. After the man above asks for the third time and she still does not give him a straight answer, most men reading this will say “WTF, he needs to get out of this as soon as he can”. Period. Mars and Venus, it is!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Perils of Retail Therapy
I finally got down to noting down my investments in an excel sheet. I took inspiration from a frugal friend, and the outcome was a neat document that showed my net worth. For someone who had nowhere to go 10 years ago, with a bank balance of Nil and a salary of 5000, I thought I had done well for myself.
I smiled. It felt good to know that there is enough wealth created my humble old me, through sheer grit and determination, hard work and perseverance. I told myself “Girl, be proud – you have created the kind of safety net that a man creates for his family, you did it all by yourself, so be proud!”
I must have displayed the cat-got-the-cream pleasure expression on my face a little too much. And I must have gloated about this proud-single-Indian-woman with a secure financial future story a little too much. I am sure, something about me and my totally not humble behavior had this friend look at me slyly and say “why don’t you summarize all that you have earned so far and map it against what you have invested so far. That will give you a summary of what you have spent so far”. I am sure he meant “blown away”, “wasted”, anything but “spent”.
So here I am – back early from office and sitting in the noisy kitchen of our centrally located house. Craving for solitude and quiet after a 1.5 hours drive through Pune, I sat here, grinding my teeth, and thinking to myself that I do need to get that summary done. The other trigger was a friend who informed me today that he would be “working from home”. A lovely home, in an apartment 10 floors above the ground, in an up-market locality of this city; nice and airy home with a separate “study” where he can peacefully “work from home”. Hmm, it was obvious that he had thought through well and invested prudently to buy a home like that with modern amenities. That got me thinking that I really need to get that summary done to understand why I could not have gotten my dream home in all these years, why did I not have enough floating bank balance to make me feel secure all the time, why and where had I gone wrong- had I really gone wrong?
So I created the summary excel sheet. And like a tight slap on my face, the figures screamed that I was wrong, oh so wrong, in spending, just simply spending – blowing away, wasting, burning – hard earned money for an obscene amount in 10 years. If I had invested even half of that amount, I am sure I could have been at least half way through to the dream house in the clouds. The next analysis was to think why and how I must have spent that money – the answer was very simple, I had spent it eating, drinking, making merry and shopping, shopping and more shopping. Oh, I had fun doing it, and at that time I termed it as “Retail Therapy” but looking back it gives me more grief than solace. Maybe I need someone or something to blame and hence I blame it on the colorful malls that masquerade as therapy centers. But the real blame is on the self that thinks buying oneself out of a self imposed isolation and finding that as the only path to discovering oneself is the easy way out.
Does this mean one stands redeemed? I guess not – till there is the “kaching” of cash, and the lure of the malls a weak hearted soul like me stands little chance.
I smiled. It felt good to know that there is enough wealth created my humble old me, through sheer grit and determination, hard work and perseverance. I told myself “Girl, be proud – you have created the kind of safety net that a man creates for his family, you did it all by yourself, so be proud!”
I must have displayed the cat-got-the-cream pleasure expression on my face a little too much. And I must have gloated about this proud-single-Indian-woman with a secure financial future story a little too much. I am sure, something about me and my totally not humble behavior had this friend look at me slyly and say “why don’t you summarize all that you have earned so far and map it against what you have invested so far. That will give you a summary of what you have spent so far”. I am sure he meant “blown away”, “wasted”, anything but “spent”.
So here I am – back early from office and sitting in the noisy kitchen of our centrally located house. Craving for solitude and quiet after a 1.5 hours drive through Pune, I sat here, grinding my teeth, and thinking to myself that I do need to get that summary done. The other trigger was a friend who informed me today that he would be “working from home”. A lovely home, in an apartment 10 floors above the ground, in an up-market locality of this city; nice and airy home with a separate “study” where he can peacefully “work from home”. Hmm, it was obvious that he had thought through well and invested prudently to buy a home like that with modern amenities. That got me thinking that I really need to get that summary done to understand why I could not have gotten my dream home in all these years, why did I not have enough floating bank balance to make me feel secure all the time, why and where had I gone wrong- had I really gone wrong?
So I created the summary excel sheet. And like a tight slap on my face, the figures screamed that I was wrong, oh so wrong, in spending, just simply spending – blowing away, wasting, burning – hard earned money for an obscene amount in 10 years. If I had invested even half of that amount, I am sure I could have been at least half way through to the dream house in the clouds. The next analysis was to think why and how I must have spent that money – the answer was very simple, I had spent it eating, drinking, making merry and shopping, shopping and more shopping. Oh, I had fun doing it, and at that time I termed it as “Retail Therapy” but looking back it gives me more grief than solace. Maybe I need someone or something to blame and hence I blame it on the colorful malls that masquerade as therapy centers. But the real blame is on the self that thinks buying oneself out of a self imposed isolation and finding that as the only path to discovering oneself is the easy way out.
Does this mean one stands redeemed? I guess not – till there is the “kaching” of cash, and the lure of the malls a weak hearted soul like me stands little chance.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
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